Our big girl and other life-changing ramblings...

One cool thing about yesterday was getting update pics! But, the COOLEST was seeing her in the VERY FIRST outfit we put her in on our visit trip. And to top it all off, the outfit is a 0-3 month size, it still fits, AND she is wearing a onesie underneath it! I was very happy about that...and, it somehow made these pictures of Madalyn a little more familiar. She's up to 15 lbs. now and is saying "ma." I echo Amanda's post from last night in that I wonder if it's strange that I am having a harder time remembering her. After all, it was almost 4.5 months ago. And, she looked so different then. Anyway, it was comforting to see her wearing that cute little outfit...and it warmed my heart.

I was at a youth event last night and I was praying for Madalyn's case to be released; then it hit me. Do I really believe God can do it? Greg has talked about Jacob wrestling with God and the amazing intimacy that came forth from that...he said that our situation isn't any different. But then I realized that Jacob was asking God to hear his heart's desire. The Bible is full of our forefathers asking the Lord to grant them the desires of their heart, and He listens and considers and sometimes fulfills their petitions. So last night, I found myself asking Him as I prayed for a miracle in Madalyn's case, "do I really believe You can do this?" My heart knows that the answer is yes. It's my flesh that wants to stay at a safe distance, for fear of Him not fulfilling my request. Did you catch that? Fear. Wow. That fear is preventing me from fully wrestling with God; from throwing myself into my Creator's arms and experiencing intimacy like I have never known. I repent of that now as I type this...

Check this out from my buddy, Oswald Chambers, regarding prayer:

The grace you had yesterday will not do for today. Grace is the overflowing favor of God; you can always reckon it is there to draw upon. "In much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses" - that is where the test for patience comes. Are you failing the grace of God there? Are you saying - Oh, well, I won't count this time? It is not a question of praying and asking God to help you; it is taking the grace of God now. We make prayer the preparation for work, it is never that in the Bible. Prayer is the exercise of drawing on the grace of God. Don't say - I will endure this until I can get away and pray. Pray now; draw on the grace of God in the moment of need. Prayer is the most practical thing, it is not the reflex action of devotion. Prayer is the last thing in which we learn to draw on God's grace.

"In stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labours" - in all these things manifest a drawing upon the grace of God that will make you a marvel to yourself and to others. Draw now, not presently. The one word in the spiritual vocabulary is NOW. Let circumstances bring you where they will, keep drawing on the grace of God in every conceivable condition you may be in. One of the greatest proofs that you are drawing on the grace of God is that you can be humiliated without manifesting the slightest trace of anything but His grace.

I read that last night after my realization of the "shallowness" of my prayers on Madalyn's behalf. Not that sincerety wasn't present, but that I was praying "in preparation" for where the "circumstances" may bring me. I have unknowingly deprived my soul of true intimacy with the Creator of the universe through the Holy Spirit, and by Jesus' Blood. Somewhere along the way of life, I have used prayer as a means to "make ready" my circumstance, then as a means to "celebrate" with thanksgiving. But, I have failed to experience the key word: now.

When I stop to think about it a minute, the "now" experience floods me when I stand in awe and adoration while singing praises to Him...but, think how much richer, bolder and closer I would be with the Lord if I stripped away all misconceptions in praying and called on His grace NOW.

Sweet Father, I trust You. I ask for Your Grace to flow like rain from above onto my being...envelope me with Your Mystery, Your Power, Your Love. Lord, cup me close to You, and as I become more like Your Son, may fear drip from me...purify me with Your Grace...refine me. Now I am in need of Your direction...Your Grace. I want nothing more than to walk in the fullness of Your Glory. The only thing my spirit desires is to be near You. Teach me, Lord, renew me, carry me. This moment I ask for Madalyn to come home. I long to hold her, care for her, love her as the priceless, perfect gift that she is. I fear so many things...I fear she will reject me, I fear I may not love her as much as I need to, I fear that it may be forever before we are reunited as a family. I give all of these fleshly fears over to you now...I ask for Grace to swoop in and fill all the places where fear once reigned. I know this life journey will forever be a struggle between my spirit and my flesh; but now, I choose YOU and Your Sweet Grace. Thank You for all that You do and all that You are. For it is in who You are that I find total peace. Capture my thoughts today...allow that phone to ring, allow us safe journey to Guatemala, and bless our reunion with Madalyn.

I lift to You my other friends who are searching for Your Light on this journey of adoption. I ask boldly and without fear that You release our children to our care...it is time, Lord. We are ready to be Your hands and love to Your children. Assemble us together in Guatemala to proclaim Your Sovereignty. To be Your Love. To share Your Healing Grace. Bring the lost our way...we will stand ready to share Your salvation with them. May the revival set in....Lord, we expect You to save thousands in that country. Use us for Your purpose. Bring Your Love and Light to those dark places. Redeem and save the lost. You are Father of all nations. You care so much about the poor and oppressed. Please bring us through this for Your Glory. May all that hear and all that see know that it is by Your Hand that we have been set free. Our hearts are at your service today, Lord. In Jesus' Name, amen.